Published 09.26.08 in Metro

Oh, don't act so surprised

British PR flacks are feigning outrage because Amy Winehouse, that pillar or moderation and class, has reportedly ruined some dresses sent to her on loan in the run-up to London Fashion Week.

Apparently, the naïve folks over at Harvey Nichols loaned dear, sweet Amy $50,000 worth of silk and satin dresses. Amy put on the nicest one and hit the town, and eventually did what she does best: vomit.

Says a source spilling about the spewage to the Daily Mail, “She eventually couriered them back on Monday, but didn’t wrap them separately. So sick had gone on all the clothes.” Yum! “Even worse, green, furry mold had developed on some gowns, making them unwearable.”

The folks at Harvey Nics were said to be furious over the whole thing. “They send stuff out to celebs all the time, but it never gets into such a state,” the source lamented.

But we have to ask, seriously? You sent your fancy frocks to Amy Winehouse and didn’t suspect that something like this might happen? Why, because the dresses were nice? Expensive? See, you’re assuming Amy can differentiate fabrics using things like sight and touch. And that’s where you’re wrong. She doesn’t actually mean any harm, but she can’t help it. She doesn’t know her own up-chucking strength. She’s like a crack-addled Lenny from “Of Mice and Men.” Only with worse diction.

One is the loneliest number

This week, Star magazine all but called Child Protective Services on Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes because little Suri is leading such an awful, awful existence. The mag reports that the toddler “only interacts with her parents,” “leads a shockingly lonely life” and “is rarely around children her own age.” Also, says a source: “She doesn't like to share because she doesn't know how to.”

Doesn’t know how to share? She’s 2 years old, for L. Ron’s sake! Besides, it’s not like sharing is some highly respected quality in Los Angeles, anyway.

But the isolation goes deeper than that. While Katie’s in town giving Broadway a whirl, she’s been taking young Suri to Chelsea Piers for playtime. Only! The tyke ended up in a private class with her mom. Says a Piers employee: “I have never seen her play with any of the other kids.”

Well, of course. Do you know whose children go to the open playgroup at Chelsea Piers? Reality TV stars’ children. Do you really want Suri mixing with that rabble?

The girl can't help it

In other supermarket checkout line news, Britney Spears and Kevin Federline are in couples counseling in a bid to get back together, according to the National Enquirer. Hey, third time’s a charm, right?

There’s some labored joke to be made about bailout plans and K-Fed being a leach, but we’re too busy starting rumors that she’s knocked up again. And… go!

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