Published 10.06.08 in Metro


Celebs pray to the darndest things



It’s time for our not-at-all-regular Celebrity Religion Roundup. It seems Britney Spears has finally given up on ever understanding Kabbalah, the celebrity alternative to Judaism. Which is good, because now she doesn’t have to worry about coordinating her outfits with that red string bracelet anymore. Naturally, this move brought on the ire of Madonna, who promptly canceled Britney’s planned appearances at U.S. stops of the Madge’s tour. 

“Madonna doesn’t feel she can work with Britney any more because they’re just not aligned on a spiritual level,” a source told the News of the World. Man, just wait until she finds out how many of her dancers are Jehovah’s Witnesses. 

Also, it looks like those bastions of humanitarianism, the Scientologists, have found a new mission: saving Amy Winehouse. 

According to the Sunday Mirror, minions in Tom Cruise’s army got Amy’s number and called her out of the blue, offering to turn her life around and get her off the drugs. We can only imagine how truly awesome that conversation must’ve been.

We’ll say this: If the Church of Scientology can actually get Amy Winehouse clean, we might actually take them seriously. Because that, friends, would be miraculous.


Jessica getting married
Happy news—maybe—out of Italy. Justin Timberlake has reportedly asked Jessica Biel to marry him while the couple was on vacation in Rome. We assume the proposal was produced by Timbaland.

A loose-lipped source told Sunday People that Justin “wants to make an honest woman of her.” Because you know what’s romantic? Archaic expressions that equate unmarried women to whores. 

Of course, there hasn’t been any official confirmation from the future Biel-Timberlake household yet, where, if he hasn’t popped the question, reading about it must be really awkward. Because now she’s probably all, ‘Why hasn’t he asked me to marry him yet?’ Thanks, Sunday People. Thanks a lot.


Doggy day care
Reports are circulating that Jennifer Aniston spends upwards of $250 a week on spa treatments for her dog, Norman, that include massages and acupuncture. We don’t have a joke for that. We just thought you should know. You can now go back to bailing out the economy.

BACK